Rise in Gen Z ‘orphaning’ themselves because of their toxic childhoods – including addiction battles and sexual abuse

SOMETIMES I’ll see a mother and daughter in a cafe and feel a stab of jealousy.

I’ve always had a tricky relationship with my mum, who left when I was 15 to live with her new partner, and after one particularly uncomfortable dinner in 2018, I stopped answering her calls.

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I didn’t see her again for more than six years.

Every time I wrote about it in my Fabulous column, I was surprised at how many messages I’d receive from people in similar positions.

In Britain, research by the charity Stand Alone has found that around one in five families – around 12 million people – are affected by estrangement, with many sharing their experiences of going “low contact” or “no contact” on TikTok and Reddit.

Celebrities aren’t immune either, with singer Matt Goss recently revealing he is “completely estranged” from his twin brother and former Bros bandmate Luke.

Jennifer Aniston is a high-profile case of family estrangement. The actress had a famously complicated relationship with her mother Nancy Dow, but patched things up before she passed away in 2016.

Meghan Markle is another celebrity estranged from family – it is believed she no longer has a relationship with her father, Thomas Markle.

Whitney Goodman, a family therapist who specialises in estrangement, says: “People are realising that family relationships can be harmful or abusive, and that they might need to get out of them in the same way they might need to leave any other kind of relationship.”

She says alienation from relatives can often be a result of physical or sexual abuse, addiction or mental health issues.

“Sometimes it’s because of a clash of religious, political or ethical beliefs.

“But the most common reasons are to do with emotions – people feeling their parents are emotionally immature or were emotionally neglectful.

“The parent will often say, ‘That wasn’t that big a deal,’ rather than apologising and accepting responsibility.

“For older generations, there is a sense that you must get along with your family at all costs, whereas Millennials and Gen Z want to raise the standards of all their relationships.

“We’re becoming much more aware of our mental health and widening our definition of trauma,” says Whitney.

Laura*, 38, an accountant from Leeds, has been estranged from her older brother since October 2022, and from her mum and dad since June 2023.

“I’d always told myself my family was close, but during the pandemic, cracks started appearing,” she says.

“My partner’s family would regularly check in with us, but my parents basically ignored me.

“I started having therapy and realised lots of things in my childhood were toxic.

‘My mother told me I was an accident’

“My mother said to me from an early age that my brother and I were accidents and told us to never have kids, so I never felt wanted or loved.

“Whenever I tried to talk to my dad about my mum, he ignored me and would do anything to appease her at my expense.

“When I tried to speak to my brother, he gaslit me and said he didn’t see it that way.”

Laura continues: “As I dug into my memories in therapy, I remembered that my brother had tried to sexually abuse me multiple times when I was 14.

“Although my brain has blocked a lot of it out, I get flashbacks of him touching me, and I have a very clear memory of my mum once walking in on him kissing me.

“I told her we were rehearsing a play, and she didn’t question it. I wanted to protect him and I didn’t really have the words to tell her what was going on.”

After confiding in her therapist and husband, Laura decided there was no point in confronting her family.

“My brother is so good at gaslighting me and making me feel stupid, and I knew my parents wouldn’t accept it.

“So I wrote a letter to my brother, saying:,‘I never want to hear from you again. I’m sure if you think about it, you’ll know why.’

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“With my parents, it felt harder, because it wasn’t this tangible thing they did. It was more emotional neglect and the things they didn’t do.

“I wrote them a letter saying, ‘I’ve had to use so many coping mechanisms to survive our family.’ They didn’t understand.

“My dad came over to my house and said, ‘What’s wrong with you then?’ while rolling his eyes.

“I exchanged a few more letters with my mother, but I realised she’d never have the capacity to self-reflect.”

‘My brother tried to sexually abuse me’

Laura says that severing ties with her family doesn’t feel like a choice.

“I don’t want to be estranged – but it’s too harmful not to be.

“To have effectively orphaned myself is really difficult. I have had to remove myself from the very people who should be my support network.

“I no longer have contact with my brother’s wife I was close to, and I’ve never met my two-year-old niece.

“I’m not concerned about my brother abusing them, as I feel like sibling abuse comes from a very specific place, and was such a product of our family dynamic – but if I told his wife about it, it would explode their whole world.

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“My mother’s sister – my aunt – no longer speaks to me, which is painful. I don’t know what the narrative is about me on that side of the family, but she’s clearly taken my parents’ side.

“I try to see my friends as family, but they have families of their own, so it can feel unbalanced. They are amazing, but I’m not their priority.”

Laura got married in 2023 with none of her family present, and says her husband understands why she’s not in touch with them, having witnessed some of their behaviour, such as her parents not asking any questions about their engagement.

“He was shocked at how disinterested they were in our lives, and respects my decision to cut ties.

“We’ve decided not to have children – I don’t want to repeat the cycle. I guess it also means that I did take my mother’s advice.”

Can estrangement ever cause more harm than good, though?

Psychotherapist Anna Mathur, author of The Uncomfortable Truth, says: “The cost is so huge – giving up ties to other family members, history, inheritance, support – that I think it really is the last resort.

“Of course, there will be people who use estrangement in a manipulative fashion or because they don’t have the skills to navigate a relationship, but I don’t think that’s a large number.”

Anna advises anyone thinking about cutting off a family member to try mediation with a therapist, or a neutral relative or friend first.

“It can be helpful to address the issues and give them a chance to respond,” she says.

“You might also consider writing a letter and setting out boundaries, for example, state that you’ll be civil at family engagements, but won’t meet up outside of that.

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“You may find you need to reassess your relationship as things change. Estrangement doesn’t have to be permanent.”

One of the most common responses after writing about my own estrangement was, What if your mum dies? That grim hypothetical question is the experience that Ella*, 37, a personal trainer from Swansea, is currently facing.

“My parents divorced when I was 10, and although I saw my dad on weekends, we were never close,” she says.

“He would make jibes about my weight and tell me I was a loser. It was done in a jokey tone, but it really hurt.

“I can only think he didn’t really know how to relate to me and used humour to cover that up.

“When I was 15, he moved to the US with his new family without saying goodbye. I went to his flat one day and it was empty. I was hurt, but it was typical of him to be so unreliable.”

For the next 20 years, Ella, who remains close to her mum, had sporadic contact with her dad as he came in and out of her life.

“I went to see him in the US, but had a horrible time, as I felt like he didn’t want me to be there. When he visited the UK, I would sometimes make the effort to see him, but I’d dread it.

“Eventually, in 2018, I realised he would never be the father I wanted, and I just stopped picking up the phone.

“Occasionally, he would text saying: ‘Are you still alive?’ and I wouldn’t reply.

“On the whole, I felt happier without him in my life, although I’m now single and I’m sure it’s made it hard for me to trust men.”

In September 2024, Ella’s dad, who still lives in the US, left a voicemail saying he had liver cancer and only had a few months to live. In shock, she called him back.

There’s also a deep sadness when I think of everything we’ve both missed out on

Kate Wills

“We didn’t talk about why I hadn’t spoken to him for so long. I think deep down we both know why,” she says.

“I’ve decided I want to be back in touch for this final chapter, and we are talking about me visiting him. I feel very sad, because despite everything, I don’t hate him.

“I had often feared him dying without me knowing, so in a strange way, I feel relieved that we will have closure.

“We now have fairly regular contact by text and he does seem to have changed and is more polite.

“I’m not expecting an apology, but I’d like to have a sense of leaving things on good terms.

“My mum has been incredibly supportive. This next chapter will be hard, but I know whatever happens, I’ll always have her.”

According to an Ohio State University study, the majority of estranged adult children eventually resume contact with their families. However, Laura can’t imagine ever doing so.

“A few months ago, I heard through my aunt that my dad had cancer and wanted me to get in touch,” she says. “I had a massive cry, but the next day I realised it didn’t change anything.

“I wouldn’t say I’m at peace with my decision – I still feel so sad about it – but I feel more positive and honest about my life now.”

Having my daughter, Blake, now four, made me think about my mother more than ever. Although it is still hard to understand her choices, I realise how difficult parenting – and life – can be.

When my father died in September, I was forced to see her at his funeral – and to confront the realisation that she will one day also be gone. This was the catalyst for us to start texting again.

We are taking things very slowly, and I have firm boundaries in place, such as only communicating through text. Although it feels hopeful, I’m cautious.

There’s also a deep sadness when I think of everything we’ve both missed out on.

There is no fairy-tale ending, but I’ll always be grateful that she gave me the space to live my life without her in it for a while.

My mother may never be the mother I want, and I can’t change the past, but at least I get to choose how I want her in my life. And for now, that feels like it’s enough.

*names have been changed

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