When the slog of work starts getting you down and you really need a change of scenery, going on vacation is a great way to get a fresh perspective.
My best friend Lynne and I have limited dates each year when we can get away for anything longer than a week. My company is very busy from January to June, then I have some relatively quiet downtime for about two months, followed by the start of gala season; Halloween; Christmas; and New Year’s Eve. When one is in the entertainment industry, one must make oneself available around these important dates.
Beyond those restrictions, we have to ensure that there is someone responsible to take care of our cavalcade of cats, so we also have to make accommodations for their schedule.
Anyhoo, we finally managed to pinpoint a block of time when we could travel – and Lynne’s niece, Sharon could join us. As soon as I was given the green light, I started working on options.
It has been ages since we travelled to an exotic or new locale; I was keen to explore those first. What about Argentina? It was their winter, which seemed like a fine idea, seeing as you could burn a pot roast on my driveway at the moment. Sure, it would be a bit of a distance to fly, but once we got there, just imagine the sights and sounds. The majestic Andes; tangos around every corner; kissing capybaras …
Pros: Cool temperatures; mountains; inexpensive, high-quality wine. Cons: A day to get there; our Spanish is super-rusty; inexpensive, high-quality wine.
Okay … what about Austria? We’d never been and who could resist the pull of the zither or Vienna horn? What would it be like to eat the classic wiener schnitzel and sachertorte dishes in their home country?
We’d have the Austrian Alps instead of the Andes, and if I could get myself a dress avec pinafore, I could go twirling and ‘Hills-Are-Alive’ing like Maria von Trapp atop one of the summits. I’d just have to find someone to carry me up there.
Exquisite pastries and chocolates? Check! Stunning architecture? Check! Distance to travel? You betcha.
Pros: ‘Sound of Music’ vibes; Johann Strauss’s works being played by an extraordinary orchestra somewhere on any day of the week; museums aplenty. Cons: Pastries and chocolates vs. my weak will; a day to get there; our German making us look fluent in Spanish.
I probably spent a week looking at these amazing destinations, and more, before I came up with the biggest con of all: Peak hurricane season. The last thing we needed was to be that far away from home and see a track show up on the NOAA site that looked too close for comfort.
After all that research, I scrapped my Phileas Fogg plans (with my trusty companion, Lynne ‘Passepartout’ Firth by my side) and went with the easy choice: a Caribbean cruise.
We love cruising. It’s the meals every day, and the cocktail bars, entertainment, daily housekeeping and room service. And who could forget the casino? What a fun way to lose money each night!
We almost always book with Celebrity Cruises, so I went browsing for options with them around this time of year.
A couple of the ships stopped in Grand Cayman, which I decided to nix. Don’t misunderstand – I’ve made previous stops in Grand Cayman before – but every time I say I’ll take advantage of the spa discounts because we’re in my home port and I’m not going to disembark, I weaken. I MUST go ashore.
I can’t resist hearing other passengers marvel at the clarity of the islands’ waters as we tender in; I visit our cats at the house; and (any other cruiser will get this) I do a load of our vacation laundry at home then take it back with me. It saves about $893,216 onboard.
I ended up choosing an itinerary that took us to Perfect Day CocoCay in the Bahamas, Puerto Rico and Saint-Martin. I had been to the latter two previously, and I wasn’t really interested in exploring Perfect Day – a created experience by Royal Caribbean Cruises – but it was the cruise that was going to be the vacation.
Famous last words. I happened to look at the excursions for Perfect Day, and my eyeballs laser-focused on one thing: Swimming with pigs. I had been DYING to interact with the marine-friendly porkers ever since I’d seen a news programme about them. No WAY was I missing this opportunity.
That was rapidly followed by seeing that the private island was home to Thrill Park, which featured massive waterslides. Tartar sauce – I was officially drinking the Kool-Aid. Time to get the bathing suit out of mothballs.
I’ve also been working on booking a private tour company in Puerto Rico, and we’ll probably just hire a cab for an hour or so in Saint-Martin.
Once the ports were actively being sorted, it was time to tackle what onboard packages we wanted to buy. This is when the fun really began.
The latest Celebrity Edge-class ships are very tech-heavy, so there are apps to download that will not only keep track of your bookings, but can act as a key for your cabin door, close curtains, and adjust lighting and A/C. Lynne and I – both IT-savvy – spent the first full day of our 2018 voyage on the Edge trying to grasp getting the lights to dim without driving the A/C up to 92°F at the same time.
A lot of older passengers weren’t keen on it at all. Where was the string quartet at lunch? And the papers and pencils for the quizzes? There was a steady whine of grumbles throughout the corridors as seniors tried to use their apps to find out where the hell they were supposed to be going for dinner that night.
This time around, we will be on Celebrity Beyond, with the same design as Edge.
As I navigated the drinks, Wi-Fi and meal packages, the app kept falling over and the website wasn’t much better. The site always has sales on. Stuff like 75% off the second guest, or discounts on certain itineraries, or packages included if you book now! It’s like those shops in tourist towns where they have a sign in a window that says ‘50% off – TODAY only!’, but it’s nicely painted on heavy wood, and if you live in the area, you see it every day.
The recent early Labor Day sale on celebritycruises.com raised the stakes a squillion percent. Flash sales at every turn. Messages kept popping up on the site to say that there was heavy guest traffic with people trying to book things. I was having a nightmare with it all, so I decided to call them instead.
After I finally managed to get through on a toll-free number – for which I had to pay – I was connected with a very nice lady who was clearly working from home, unless there were roosters allowed inside the corporate offices.
It took us half an hour to tackle my questions … yet that was one of four phone calls, because I kept being given the wrong information. Every time I got someone, it seemed I had to upgrade or add a surcharge to whatever I’d already paid for in order to get what I actually thought I had in the first place. And each call involved getting past the automated voice ‘assistant’ first. By call four, the next door neighbours knew I wanted to speak to a “REPRESENTATIVE!!!!”
As things stand now, I believe we have Wi-Fi and a premium drinks package, and we’re going to need to eat every meal onboard in a specialty restaurant to justify what we paid for that package.
Oh yes, and as God is my witness, we’re swimming with those pigs.
Man … I need a vacation.