How do we know that Christmas is nigh? Not just the cooler temperatures and the fairy lights adorning homes and businesses – it’s the traffic.
When residents and a slew of tourists are on the road, plus a big uptick in shopping and events, suddenly we’re longing for the simple pleasures of the I-405 in Los Angeles at rush hour.
Think that’s a dramatic statement? You should read one of my old school reports: “Victoria is not happy unless she has at least one crisis per day.”
Pish, I say.
Anyway, all that extra time being spent on the roads means listening to one festive song after the next on the radio. Much like what you’ll find on television at this time of year, it’s a real mixed bag. Forrest Gump and his box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get.
I appreciate that this is going to age me immediately, and that I’ll probably be labelled as old-fashioned or a fuddy-duddy, but honestly, it’s the Johnny Mathis, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole renditions that really warm my heart. Not just because they are familiar, but because they sing the songs simply – allowing the unique quality of their vocals to shine through. In fact, Michael Bublé sings in much the same manner, and he’s … okay, he’s 50, but that isn’t ancient.
Before you groan, I actually also like original Christmas songs by the likes of Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson et al. And, of course, who can forget classics like ‘Fairytale of New York’, ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’, ‘Last Christmas’ and ‘Santa Baby’?
What makes my ears bleed is when someone decides to put their own modern twist on a favourite. Once in a while, it works, but most of the time it ranges from forgettable to appalling. I completely understand when a singer wants to be distinguishable from the original artist, but what is with all the breathy, off-beat, multi-octave renditions out there?
I heard a version of ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’ that seemed to wish listeners anything but, based on the tone and tempo. I thought the vocalist was going to burst into tears at one point.
“From now onnnn, our troubles will be miles awayyyyy … [gulp], [deep sighs] …”
Are you sure, sweetheart? Sounds like they’re just beginning.
On the opposite side of the coin, you’ve got the jump-up, we-can-turn-anything-into-a-dance-number crowd – like putting a 33RPM record on 45RPM speed. One obscure performance of ‘The Christmas Song’ demanded attention. You’d better believe those chestnuts were roasting on an open fire, and Jack Frost wasn’t just nipping at your nose – he had your whole body in the unholy grip of winter. Mr. Cole would have been spinning in his grave if he’d heard it.
Thing is, the radio stations have to find some variety to play because it’s a lot of days leading up to 25 Dec. and they can’t be playing the same 20 songs in a loop. So, they no doubt have to dig deep into the archives of ‘B’ sides and unknown artists to fill the time. Absolute non-hits by Beryl and The Elves, The Mistletoe Maniacs, and Crusty Kringles finally get their moment to shine … which is usually when I change the station.
I figured I couldn’t be the only one to have all these opinions on Christmas songs, so I turned to good ol’ Google to see what others thought.
Seems people had pretty strong opinions about ‘Little Drummer Boy’ by Ashlee and Jessica Simpson, and I have to agree. Two “pah-rup-a-pum-pums” in, I was done. Tiny Tim, the singer and ukulele player from back in the day, recorded an ‘O Holy Night’ that is an assault on the ears. The only good thing you could say in his favour is that it is obvious from the git-go that it’s him. You wouldn’t mistake that trill for anyone else.
Jon Bon Jovi apparently made a misstep when he took up the mantle of ‘Fairytale of New York’. In a classic case of ‘don’t mess with perfection’, he gave it a go. Nothing wrong with the singing or anything, but they broke the mould after Shane MacGowan and Kirsty MacColl (both RIP) lent their unmistakable vocals and energy to what has often been lauded as the greatest Christmas song of all time.
That being said, M’sieur Jovi can rest easy that his is not the hardest remake to hear. If the sound of a seriously distorted, genuinely disturbing ‘Jingle Bells’ goes ringing through your house, it could be that the batteries in the boom box desperately need replacing, or you’ve inadvertently found some channel willing to play KORN’s heinous take on the beloved tune. I’m sure I don’t need to say more.
(By the by, I don’t mind a bit of heavy metal – I know me some System of a Down – but come on …)
This is an extreme example – most new versions of old classics just disappoint me. This feeling that if the singer doesn’t add in tons of extra notes, keen to show an extreme vocal range, that somehow it’s not worthy. If you’ve never seen it, I urge you to watch Whitney Houston’s performance of the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ (another song that has been mangled by over-ambitious singers in the past). It’s a masterclass of just letting her talent shine without it being lost behind lots of vocal overindulgence.
When I started this column, I was going to make half of it about songs and the other half about movies. I guess I felt more strongly about the songs than I realised. That’s not to say that there aren’t some stinkers out there when it comes to festive films. Netflix gets away with murder in December, because all you need is snow, a decorated tree and hot cocoa, along with watchers’ goodwill, and we’ll tune in ‘cos ‘tis the season.
I’m sure you all have your favourite flicks that you have on your list every year. These are mine (in no particular order):
‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’
‘Die Hard’
‘Trading Places’
‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’
‘Miracle on 34th Street’ (1947)
‘White Christmas’
‘Elf’
‘Christmas in Connecticut’ (1945)
‘The Santa Clause’
‘A Christmas Carol’ (1984)
‘Home Alone’
Some are nostalgic, others really get us in the spirit, and many provide some welcome laughs.
So, with that, I’m going to get on my seasonal pyjamas, gather the cats on the couch, and make a selection to watch tonight. Until next week!